Social Metamorphosis

I still see how hard it is for me to bring more of me out there... This is a rather long missive, but I hope you read it all. It's my way of reintroducing myself to all of you. Enjoy reading; I'd love to hear from you.

Me, Myself and I

It's nice to be able to take something out of my pot, a blog about my tablescape adventures. Thanks, Pink for the challenge...

I Miss..., but...

Now that the kids are old enough to get things done on their own, I find myself with more time to think about different things in between the chaotic wave we call our life. Many times, when I can't easily fall asleep, I reminisce and hope. Here's some of the things I miss but with its accompanying caveats. (Gotta love being alive!)

I miss seeing my children as babies and toddlers still very much dependent on me with voices so cute, I feel like I can fly from sheer giddiness, but... I don't miss the stinky diapers, toilet training and weaning- all three bit me!

I miss being only an hour from the beach, playing in the sand, hoping to see what's beyond the unseen while listening to the screams of the other "sun" patrons, but... I never liked the time when I got knocked down by the wave that collapsed the sand underneath me! Good thing I managed to grab on to my friend's leg! Scary!

I miss being able to come back to my studio, all alone with the quiet and sense of pride that I'm in my own place, but... I don't miss the times that my cousin and her bf (dh now) trashed it while I was away for Christmas!

I miss walking from one place to another and riding the city bus, but... I never liked the uneasy feeling of others' looking at you. Creepy!!

I miss being able to climb trees and eating the juicy, sweet ripe fruits, but... I don't miss the fact that my sense of adventure was driven by my fierce hunger!

I miss going out to lunch with co-workers, but... not the part where I gained weight after only a few weeks! Chinese food and after 10PM, not a good combo!

I miss walking to school until I get to the bus stop, but... I never wanted the windy days that threatened to whisk my thin frame away!

I miss the dating game, being showered with attention and silly tokens, but... not the heartache, confusion and uncertainty!

I miss my wedding day, pledging my eternal commitment to one and dancing as man and wife, but... not being hungry throughout the whole reception because I was told to stay under the canopy! And no one asking me if I needed anything until I ran crying into the kitchen looking for food!

And of course...

I miss a clean house with open windows making the drapes whistle with the wind (I don't have any drapes here); the kind we had in San Jose, California before our second child was born, but... not the emptiness I felt while praying for more siblings for Lisa!

Maybe someday, I can "redo" all these experiences. I know that I don't have to start over to start over!

"Love the girls, no matter what..."

Most of you know that I used to be the Activity Days Leader for the Gateway Ward in Gilbert, AZ for two years. I am glad to announce that I still hear about most of them. And they have done great! Check this out:

Lisa Thompson(16)- NJHS; 5th in Regional Spelling Bee; AP classes; Math UIL; AC DEC Medalist and District Choir Champs

Tina Wilbur(16)- Early HS graduate; lost 30lbs; going to comm college next sem

Brittany Rowe(15)- Academics; Band

Kamry Brower (13)- School sports

Kaitlyn Lang (15)- School Drama

Jennifer Malmin (13)- Academics;Sports

Caitlyn Hanson (13 or 14)- Academics

and now

Kaylie Minson (13)- Academics; NJHS (National Junior Honor Society)

I can't help but feel very pleased with these girls. They were great then, now and I know that if they keep it up, the world is theirs to mold according to Heavenly Father's plans for them. It was a real honor to have known these girls. I loved them then and I still love them now, "no matter what"...

Scattered Clues

"Double Happiness"
Courtesy of buy-art-online.org.uk

Tonight, Charlie, Jasmine and I went around looking for more Valentine goodies for the table at Marshall's and Jo-Ann's, but no matter how distracting everything was, I couldn't help but wonder how I came to be the Carolyn who is now a mother of three, Charlie's wife of 12 years and dinnerware connoisseur.

As I looked around the various candidates for my upcoming tablescape, none truly stuck out. So we left, but we left content (Charlie was very accomodating to my love of walking tonight). With our very first child holding on to one hand each, it was almost as if time stopped and everything was just about us...

But how did I get to this point? Through scattered clues--the same life markers that I wouldn't have spotted if I didn't hold on to my main dream- to be a mother and a wife to someone that would love me no matter what. You have to understand that I grew up molded to see myself as a "worthless, good-for-nothing, ugly" girl by two cruel stepmothers (Cinderella's is a saint compared to these two!)

First, there's the growing up dancing to 80s US music videos after school. When no one's looking, I turn on the TV, wait for Madonna, Duran Duran, Pet Shop Boys or Wham to come on and I dance like I was their only fan.

Second, there was the Filipino healer that told me my happiness lies where my mother is. I thought it meant that I would finally get to know her and life will be normal. (Boy, I wanted to be normal! You know, two parents, a house, and feeling valued). Though I love my mother, it was quite disappointing that she really didn't have anything to do with that happiness, she was just the jumping point.

Or how about the fact that my parents almost bought a house in the James Lick High border, but couldn't find one they liked, so they crossed over the freeway and bought a house there.

Then, there's working at Great America, where I almost didn't finish my first day of being a cashier because they left me for 6 hours and I ended up crying from hunger, sore legs and feet in front of customers!. I ended up getting a "secret admirer" who came back several times. He made me remember about my dream man plus I loved riding the Tidal Wave and the Demon rollercoasters.

Then there was Taco Bell; when my then high school bff, PS and I, found it while walking to her apartment complex, it was an immediate hangout for the two of us. We went there whether we had $2 or $20 to talk about everything. And we always chose one of the window booths that faced the road.

Of course, after high school, I can't ignore PS calling me to try getting a job at Komag, Inc. that made me move from my awesome studio in Sunnyvale back to the "can't afford even if I want to", Berryessa Road in San Jose with my then live-in bf, Mark. Was I happy there, no! Our relationship went down the toilet almost from the move-in day. What made me stay? I was pregnant with Lisa.

And I can't forget being 7 months pregnant with Lisa; kept alive by a defective heart. I was told by three specialists to either bury her in six months or face a lifetime of hunting down other specialists to keep her alive. This drove me to my knees...

How about immediately after that horrible news, I came across all those "you can be better" commercials that turned out belonging to the LDS church?

Here's a kicker; my ex-boyfriend Mark told me that most of the guys I dated seem to look alike and yet none worked out (looking back, the redhead, the thin blond and the Mexican all had the same facial structure). He was right, the others that didn't fit into that profile, it was almost a friendly relationship; though they doted on me, I was the one you can accuse of being the "cold fish".

Well, apparently each clue connived to bring me to my dear husband Charlie. How?

(It would be prudent to mention first that the clues started with dreams of his face, only blurry, and I got his name from a perfume bottle I received from my aunt when I was 12. I wore that scent everywhere.)

Well...
Charlie loved most of the danceable 80s group and still listens to most of them actually.
He lived on the other side of the freeway, just 10 minutes away and attended James Lick High.
He's been a season pass holder of Great America and have gone since he was a kid.
His fave rides were the Tidal Wave and the Demon!
The Taco Bell we met in was in Berryessa Road in San Jose, California and we sat on a booth by the window facing the road.
He was BIC and an honorable RM.
He was the gorgeous compilation of all three faces I dated.

and...He loved Lisa, with her now perfect heart, from the get go.

The healer was right, my happiness lies with where my mother is. She didn't say where she exactly is, but I realize now that it was to start there.

By the time I got in the door tonight, I realized that these once scattered clues perfectly aligned to give me my three amazing children and a remarkable husband.

I am happy...

Never doubt that Heavenly Father has a sense of humor...