I Miss..., but...

Now that the kids are old enough to get things done on their own, I find myself with more time to think about different things in between the chaotic wave we call our life. Many times, when I can't easily fall asleep, I reminisce and hope. Here's some of the things I miss but with its accompanying caveats. (Gotta love being alive!)

I miss seeing my children as babies and toddlers still very much dependent on me with voices so cute, I feel like I can fly from sheer giddiness, but... I don't miss the stinky diapers, toilet training and weaning- all three bit me!

I miss being only an hour from the beach, playing in the sand, hoping to see what's beyond the unseen while listening to the screams of the other "sun" patrons, but... I never liked the time when I got knocked down by the wave that collapsed the sand underneath me! Good thing I managed to grab on to my friend's leg! Scary!

I miss being able to come back to my studio, all alone with the quiet and sense of pride that I'm in my own place, but... I don't miss the times that my cousin and her bf (dh now) trashed it while I was away for Christmas!

I miss walking from one place to another and riding the city bus, but... I never liked the uneasy feeling of others' looking at you. Creepy!!

I miss being able to climb trees and eating the juicy, sweet ripe fruits, but... I don't miss the fact that my sense of adventure was driven by my fierce hunger!

I miss going out to lunch with co-workers, but... not the part where I gained weight after only a few weeks! Chinese food and after 10PM, not a good combo!

I miss walking to school until I get to the bus stop, but... I never wanted the windy days that threatened to whisk my thin frame away!

I miss the dating game, being showered with attention and silly tokens, but... not the heartache, confusion and uncertainty!

I miss my wedding day, pledging my eternal commitment to one and dancing as man and wife, but... not being hungry throughout the whole reception because I was told to stay under the canopy! And no one asking me if I needed anything until I ran crying into the kitchen looking for food!

And of course...

I miss a clean house with open windows making the drapes whistle with the wind (I don't have any drapes here); the kind we had in San Jose, California before our second child was born, but... not the emptiness I felt while praying for more siblings for Lisa!

Maybe someday, I can "redo" all these experiences. I know that I don't have to start over to start over!